this is why there should be naked kung fu classes

I often wonder what kind of person I'll be during the apocalypse.

Will I be the one who screams and runs around aimlessly? Will I search frantically for the safest route away from danger inevitably finding myself staring directly into the face of the giant, blood-sucking, human-harvesting alien machine?

Or the zombie-infested buildings?

Or the killers living in an abandoned beach house?

Or a volcanic explosion in Yellowstone?

Or the lair of a 90-year-old evangelic con artist?

Or will I be the awesome anti-hero whom everyone loves to hate because of my bad attitude and heroic deeds? Surely my calm and controlled temperament will bless me with the wisdom of Mr. Miyagi, the baddassery of Milla Jovovich, and the humanitarianism of Mother Teresa.

Yes, even the saints will be proud of me if the apocalypse goes as planned.

Recently I was given the rare opportunity to find out just how prepared I am for a battle against evil. Never could I imagine a situation more threatening, more debilitating, more grotesque.

All the lights in my house went out.

And I was in the shower.

Naked.

Being naked during the apocalypse changes everything. How many times have you imagined yourself pulverizing zombies while naked?

No times.

Because fighting in the nude would totally suck.

The first flicker of light was no bother. I was sure it was just another glitch in my house's 1957 electrical system.

Then, the sudden blackness. Paralyzing and heavy. I shrank low in the shower, feeling the porcelain underneath my feet. In my fear-stricken mind every droplet of water from the shower tapping against my skin became the jagged claw of a headless monster waiting on the other side of the curtain to use my flesh as a tea-time dress.

Surely if there were a monster or a horribly slow moving, gray-faced zombie in my house my dogs would have attacked it and marveled at its torn clothes as if they were fancy-smelling bedding.

But no sound of the dogs.

They must have already been eaten, and now I must summon all my ninja skills to fight the dog-destroying devil in my home.


The dire state of my vulnerability struck me. I would face whatever monstrous beast or demon-being was in my house with my bare hands ... and bum. The only hope a naked and weapon-free person has in these situations is the chance that the attacker might go into shock. No one expects to fight a dude in the nude.

What would a ninja do?

A ninja would never be caught in this situation. Ninjas probably shower in their black jumpsuits and shine their throwing stars with shampoo water.

I mustered up all my naked-ninja courage and ripped the shower curtain open hoping to stun the intruder with my quick movements. I immediately began blindly reaching out for any viable weapon in the bathroom. But Mr. Miyagi never taught Daniel-san how to beat the crap out of dudes with a bottle of Suave and a toilet brush.

My soapy arms reaching out into the dark, I stumbled into the hallway expecting my hands to get chopped off by a hungry Reaver at any moment. I heard myself ask "what the crap?" a couple times before my hands reached into my bedroom and felt my cell phone on the dresser. I mashed a button and the phone lit up. A beacon in the frightening darkness.

The first thing the phone's light fell on was my dog. On my bed. Lying down. Staring at me stupidly.

I left her useless self and ventured into the living room, now wielding a shoe. You can do serious damage with a high heel. Shoe held high, I jumped the corner into the living room prepared to shout my most intimidating battle cry.

The lights flashed on with a hum from the breaker box.

Just a power outage. My house was empty.

I lowered the heel to my side, wiped the suds from my forehead and sighed in relief that I did not have to fight a mass of earth-destroying aliens in my front yard

I knew there weren't any aliens out there because all the curtains and windows were open to let the breeze flow through my now very brightly lit living room.

I saw a car slow down a bit as it drove by my house, and I became uncomfortably aware of how odd I must look to my new neighborhood friend. I ducked behind the couch and sneaked back into the shower. 

If there had been a demon-possessed-alien-zombie, I'm pretty sure I would have won.